Perfectionism, Regulars at work, Dreams, and Change

Im always too hard on myself. I hold myself to a much higher standard than I do others. At least externally. On the inside I sometimes get resentful when people don't work as hard as I see myself working. Then other times I get resentful when people outshine me. I guess I just don't want other people to think I'm not trying my hardest. When i am. I always am. Yesterday I was late to work. So that ruined my entire rest of the day. I held myself accountable for everyone's breaks being off schedule. And for us being behind as a team. I don't know. That doesn't make sense. I just have a thing about perfection. That's not the right word. But it's close enough for right now. 

Do you have regulars that you don't know their names? I do. I have so many. Let's see:

McDreamy

Doctor Model

Guy who wears scrubs that I don't know what he does. 

Guy in the black shirt

UPS guy 

The twin brothers

The couple I can't tell if they're married or brother/sister

Lady who always gets so many waters

There's probably more. But those are enough for now. 

What about dreams? Do you ever just have crazy ass dreams for no reason. Actually the reasoning is probably that I'm extremely stressed. But I had a presentation yesterday and I had been having nightmares about it. Then also, maybe two nights ago I had a dream where someone I care for deeply died, but not only did they die it was a suicide. And I had to sit there and watch. I tried to help but there was nothing I could do. In the same dream I had tried to endlessly find this person. I went to their apartment. I could never find where they lived though. I tried relentlessly, it was almost like there was a mental block between me and this person which was preventing me from being able to find them. This whole series of dreams has bothered me and I I can't get it out of my head. I keep ruminating over it. Thinking about it. It's in my brain. I want to help, to save them, to find them. Everything. But I can't. I can't change the real world and I can't change my dreams. I want to so bad. I want so many things to be different. But the won't be. Or they can't be. Because of my decisions or other peoples decisions. 

I don't know. So many thoughts. So little that I can change from all of this. So little that will allow change. I hate change, but I want it so bad. For somethings.