When you can't breathe, write.

This is a just a post about me being too hard on myself. I start school in less than a week and the very core of me doesn't think I'll make it. I know I'm capable and smart enough to make it. But life always happens. And that's what I'm terrified of.

I always had this perfect picture of my academic career planned out: graduate high school (done), graduate undergrad(also done!) and then go straight into grad school like I did from high school to college. But that didn't happen. Instead life happened. Instead Silas died, and I got in a really bad headspace and I decided to take a year off. Then a year turned into two, and I was working two jobs just to try to make it by, so of course school wasn't an option. Then I lost the best job I've ever had, life happened again. And that was the push I needed. That was the trigger, the catalyst. Even though it was exhausting and a lot of the time I ignored the process completely by putting it off for a few hours or a few days. But in my heart I was relentless. I didn't want another year to go by where I wasn't doing what made me happiest. Where I wasn't chasing my dreams. So now even though most days I can't breathe and it's all I can do to pretend I'm not drowning (and I'm a damn good swimmer!) in anxiety, stress, and even some depression. If you've been around me he past 2 weeks or so then you know every time someone's like "Hey! How are you?"  I seriously reply with "Oh l, ya know, dying inside..." And I most definitely mean it in a funny way. But the past few days I haven't been able to catch my breath. It feels like there's a literal weight on my chest. Is it even possible to live in a constant state of an anxiety attack? Cuz if so that's what I'm living-if not, maybe I am dying!?! 

I'm honestly ready to get into that routine of school, of having that constant. Of knowing that my stress and anxiety and internal screaming will one day help kids like me, not feel like me.

Son right now as I should be sleeping, laying in bed with Scar feeling like I can't carch my breath I'm going to try to stop crying and having panic attacks at silly things like my car being gross and the radio not working (true story). I'm going to try to have good days more than bad. And I'm going to try to figure out how the hell to adult. 

Good night. Or good morning. 

<3 I love you. 

We won't wake up on Sunday

I told someone once (I remember who,but that's not important for you to know) that some people go to church. I go to whole foods. And this is so true. I spent all day after my exam in bed watching Netflix. When I realized I was really lonely I got my ass up. Took a shower and headed to work. I walked in and I immediately felt right at home. I haven't ever felt like that before. I love it. And I'm so thankful for it. There was a time when I felt more happiness here than I did being at home. Wherever home might have been. And from time to time that's still true. As the year is coming to an end it's getting more true for me again.  I love it here. Even on my worst days the people here (both team and customers alike) welcome me with open arms just as I am. Regulars know when I'm not myself and that makes me feel so beyond loved. This initially was a job I saw myself being at for a short period of time. Basically until I graduate. But as that day is rapidly approaching I see myself as in love with this job as I was since my day one. It's been one hell of a roller coaster that's for sure. I don't regret one day of it though. It has brought me the most beautiful friends and family I could ever have asked for. And that's what all you guys are. Family. Each and every one of you. Even the ones who have said negative things behind my back, left me, broken my heart. You're still family. I forgive you. I have let go of the negative. And though sometimes it creeps back up in my mind. The beautiful present I am living in greatly out weights anything you could have said or done to hurt me. I love you all. Because you love me and because you all know my greatest flaws and for whatever reason you still associate yourselves with me willingly. ;) but really there aren't enough words to express my gratitude and love for you guys.

Even though it's been a while since I've been in church. I don't ever lose faith because each time I step through those doors it's amazing the love I feel. 

I really do.

I love you guys. ❤️

Keep my heart racing.

I have a lot on my mind right now. A lot. That's an understatent. Even with my meds being adjusted and with therapy my anxiety is bad. Through the roof bad. But generally only at night when I'm laying down about to try and go to sleep. I lay in bed just thinking about the day, life, a multitude of things and my heart starts racing like it's going to beat right out of my chest. Sometimes I start to get angry for small reasons. Writing this is making it beat like crazy. It has been happening almost every night it seems. In don't know how to fix it. I probably need to change my thought process or something like that. I hate it. It makes me think of things I hold onto. Things I can't let go of, or things that won't let go me. It makes me think of the past and makes me sad. I hate it so much. But then I expect it. And so I guess I like it. Because it reminds me of the past and happy times. Good times. It reminds me of friends and of being in love. It makes me think a lot. Obviously. I hate having all these thoughts yet at the same time I'm happy to be able to remember this stuff because sometimes it's what keeps me sane and it's what keeps me going. For lack of a better explanation I just wish such intense anxiety didn't acompany it. And I wish things could be so different. Oh god how I wish things could be so different. So many things. So many choices I would have made differently. So many times i would have said something I didn't say or take back something bad I said. I'd make different decisions to make things better now. Can I have a redo? God doesn't give do overs unfortunately. Which means I'm stuck on this one way street constantly looking back over my shoulder trying to remember the past. And holding on to things I can't change. And there goes my heart again. This can't be health. Can it? Stupid anxiety. I hate you. And I wish so many things were so different. Why do you always remind me of this? Urgh. Back to exam studying. This has made me a negative nacy. And I'm hungry....

Perfectionism, Regulars at work, Dreams, and Change

Im always too hard on myself. I hold myself to a much higher standard than I do others. At least externally. On the inside I sometimes get resentful when people don't work as hard as I see myself working. Then other times I get resentful when people outshine me. I guess I just don't want other people to think I'm not trying my hardest. When i am. I always am. Yesterday I was late to work. So that ruined my entire rest of the day. I held myself accountable for everyone's breaks being off schedule. And for us being behind as a team. I don't know. That doesn't make sense. I just have a thing about perfection. That's not the right word. But it's close enough for right now. 

Do you have regulars that you don't know their names? I do. I have so many. Let's see:

McDreamy

Doctor Model

Guy who wears scrubs that I don't know what he does. 

Guy in the black shirt

UPS guy 

The twin brothers

The couple I can't tell if they're married or brother/sister

Lady who always gets so many waters

There's probably more. But those are enough for now. 

What about dreams? Do you ever just have crazy ass dreams for no reason. Actually the reasoning is probably that I'm extremely stressed. But I had a presentation yesterday and I had been having nightmares about it. Then also, maybe two nights ago I had a dream where someone I care for deeply died, but not only did they die it was a suicide. And I had to sit there and watch. I tried to help but there was nothing I could do. In the same dream I had tried to endlessly find this person. I went to their apartment. I could never find where they lived though. I tried relentlessly, it was almost like there was a mental block between me and this person which was preventing me from being able to find them. This whole series of dreams has bothered me and I I can't get it out of my head. I keep ruminating over it. Thinking about it. It's in my brain. I want to help, to save them, to find them. Everything. But I can't. I can't change the real world and I can't change my dreams. I want to so bad. I want so many things to be different. But the won't be. Or they can't be. Because of my decisions or other peoples decisions. 

I don't know. So many thoughts. So little that I can change from all of this. So little that will allow change. I hate change, but I want it so bad. For somethings. 

Adjustment Disorder

Adjustment disorder. It basically means I don't like change and I can't cope with change very well. It's a temporary diagnosis usually. To be diagnosed you have to have experienced something that could affect how you handle your life and dealings. For me it was my parents cutting me off. And Silas taking his life. Figuring out who I am basically. Life stuffs. My psychiatrist also mentioned in one of our first meetings the words bipolar disorder. They haven't been brought up since. With the exception of one time when I had my meds adjusted too much in the wrong way. I had ultra rapid cycling symptoms. Id wake up in the morning and not know if I'd be the happiest kid alive or want to kill myself. There were a few days I did nothing but lay in bed and sleep. All day. I was so depressed I almost checked myself into a hospital. I had a feeling it was my meds though. When I was in my manic times of this spiral id take my ambien and stay up all night. Not sleepy at all. Not really being productive just hanging out.

I also did a lot of binge eating. I ate cane sugar and powder sugar straight from the  bag. I ate a dozen donuts in a few hours. Which is totally out of character for me. I had never experienced these "mood swings" before this and I haven't experienced them since I got my meds readjusted. That being said I do usually experience seasonal depression with my worst month being October. I will usually lay around all day and not so anything productive. I don't like myself and usually want to die. After the time changes and the days get longer I get better. 

Anyways I'm no therapist and this is my only opinion and experiences. And I'll stop this ramble fest. 

Write. Just write.

I believe it was Hemingway who said there is nothing to writing , you just sit at a typewrite and bleed. (I paraphrase of course.) If you're writing from your heart, then you should always feel that way. I do.As I'm sitting here typing this listening to Doctor Who my Jack Russell was just rewarded for misbehaving. Anyways. I love writing. I wish I was better at it and had better things to write about. I could tell you about my life, but we might be here all night. Something about me: I work hard. For everything. I prove you wrong, I don't hear the word can't. Everything in life takes hard work, everything. You want that degree? Hard work. Wanna lose ten pounds and get in better shape? That takes hard work too.Want to fall in love? Have a happy relationship? Guess what, that takes hard work too. Everything takes hard work, and if you're willing to work hard than you can have everything.I can be really upbeat, but also really down. I try not to be down, I work hard to be happy. I have setbacks, and I take responsibility for them. They make me stronger and more thankful for who I am today. One thing therapy has very much so helped me with is writing everything down, my feelings, my thoughts when they're good and when they're bad. I started a journal after Silas died. I started it all on my own, wrote my heart out, cried and cried. I haven't moved on from Silas. I'll never forget him and what he did for me. Who he was for me, how he changed me, inspired me. I realized I should love me....as I am; whoever that is whatever she does. I should love me. Since then when, I started writing again, my moods have waxed and waned sometimes really intensely. Good lovely highs, and scary, scary lows. Write.I can be an open book and keep so many secrets all at the same time.I've sat down at my laptop and bled. Should I erase it all, or publish?I think for now I'll publish. I can always edit later.Because unlike in life, The internet, word docs and blogs all can be edited later.

This is a picture from a few weeks ago on Post Secret. I haven't shared it with anyone. No one knows I have it saved to my phone. But I keep it because it reminds me of Silas, I kept my old phone because it had all his old texts and pictures of him. Memories I don't ever want to lose.
Hold on to those memories and hold on tight.
and always overuse the word I love you.
That is all.