When you can't breathe, write.

This is a just a post about me being too hard on myself. I start school in less than a week and the very core of me doesn't think I'll make it. I know I'm capable and smart enough to make it. But life always happens. And that's what I'm terrified of.

I always had this perfect picture of my academic career planned out: graduate high school (done), graduate undergrad(also done!) and then go straight into grad school like I did from high school to college. But that didn't happen. Instead life happened. Instead Silas died, and I got in a really bad headspace and I decided to take a year off. Then a year turned into two, and I was working two jobs just to try to make it by, so of course school wasn't an option. Then I lost the best job I've ever had, life happened again. And that was the push I needed. That was the trigger, the catalyst. Even though it was exhausting and a lot of the time I ignored the process completely by putting it off for a few hours or a few days. But in my heart I was relentless. I didn't want another year to go by where I wasn't doing what made me happiest. Where I wasn't chasing my dreams. So now even though most days I can't breathe and it's all I can do to pretend I'm not drowning (and I'm a damn good swimmer!) in anxiety, stress, and even some depression. If you've been around me he past 2 weeks or so then you know every time someone's like "Hey! How are you?"  I seriously reply with "Oh l, ya know, dying inside..." And I most definitely mean it in a funny way. But the past few days I haven't been able to catch my breath. It feels like there's a literal weight on my chest. Is it even possible to live in a constant state of an anxiety attack? Cuz if so that's what I'm living-if not, maybe I am dying!?! 

I'm honestly ready to get into that routine of school, of having that constant. Of knowing that my stress and anxiety and internal screaming will one day help kids like me, not feel like me.

Son right now as I should be sleeping, laying in bed with Scar feeling like I can't carch my breath I'm going to try to stop crying and having panic attacks at silly things like my car being gross and the radio not working (true story). I'm going to try to have good days more than bad. And I'm going to try to figure out how the hell to adult. 

Good night. Or good morning. 

<3 I love you.