Keep my heart racing.

I have a lot on my mind right now. A lot. That's an understatent. Even with my meds being adjusted and with therapy my anxiety is bad. Through the roof bad. But generally only at night when I'm laying down about to try and go to sleep. I lay in bed just thinking about the day, life, a multitude of things and my heart starts racing like it's going to beat right out of my chest. Sometimes I start to get angry for small reasons. Writing this is making it beat like crazy. It has been happening almost every night it seems. In don't know how to fix it. I probably need to change my thought process or something like that. I hate it. It makes me think of things I hold onto. Things I can't let go of, or things that won't let go me. It makes me think of the past and makes me sad. I hate it so much. But then I expect it. And so I guess I like it. Because it reminds me of the past and happy times. Good times. It reminds me of friends and of being in love. It makes me think a lot. Obviously. I hate having all these thoughts yet at the same time I'm happy to be able to remember this stuff because sometimes it's what keeps me sane and it's what keeps me going. For lack of a better explanation I just wish such intense anxiety didn't acompany it. And I wish things could be so different. Oh god how I wish things could be so different. So many things. So many choices I would have made differently. So many times i would have said something I didn't say or take back something bad I said. I'd make different decisions to make things better now. Can I have a redo? God doesn't give do overs unfortunately. Which means I'm stuck on this one way street constantly looking back over my shoulder trying to remember the past. And holding on to things I can't change. And there goes my heart again. This can't be health. Can it? Stupid anxiety. I hate you. And I wish so many things were so different. Why do you always remind me of this? Urgh. Back to exam studying. This has made me a negative nacy. And I'm hungry....